Dear Aunt Flo,

I have this father in law that got remarried about three years ago. Now all he does is hang out with the new wife's grandchildren, babysit them, buy them gifts, and even imprint their initials on the side of his wagon (they go on trail rides). It's just not right how he ignores his grandchildren but gravels at the feet of his new wife's grand kids. He is always saying how smart the other grand kids are and how my kids aren't as smart. They also rodeo with us and those grand kids are sooo much better than my kids. I just don't get it. How can we fix this? What can we do?

From,
Ignored


Dear Ignored,
Ok, I'm going to be serious for a minute.
Blended families can really blow if you don't do it right and it seems like this old guy doesn't have a clue.
Right now the little cowboys are the ones having to suck it up, but later when they don't give a mule about the old Jack Ass he'll be the one sucking hind tit.
I say find some other old ranch hand for the cowboys to spend some time with and before you know it Grandpa will be wanting back in the saddle.
Just remember, if your cowboys are doing their best, there's nobody "better" than them!

Dear Aunt Flo:
I got my period today, why do I all ready know that good ol’ Jackass is going to want me to please him tonight and will get mad when I have to respond in an every so sweet voice that I really don’t feel like it?

Love,
Ragtime Wife

Dear Rag,
Heres what you do...
Start a fight before bedtime but make it out to be all his fault. Nobody falls for that headache BS anymore. Catch him completely off guard with a topic he can't win.
Example:
You: I can't believe you called my Mother fat at Christmas.
Him: I never called your Mother fat!
You: Oh you may not have said it, but you thought it all right!
Him: What are you talking about?
You: There you go again insinuating that I'm crazy, maybe you think I'm fat too!
Before you know it his head will be spinning and you will be drifting off to dreamland

Dear Aunt Flo,
My old man keeps his shorts way too long. The other day I threw a set in the garbage because they were so stained up and they also had holes in the rear end. Not just one hole, about 5 holes with two or three threads in between them, it looked like a tighty-whitey spiderweb. And that's another thing, the elastic was shot. So I threw them out. The old man took a bird. He was screaming how I don't respect his stuff and I had no right and all this kinda stuff. Now he's giving me the cold shoulder, he even asked our son to pass the salt last night when it was right in front of me! He's such an ass.
What do I do with this guy Flo?
signed:
tightie-whitie no more


Dear Tightie,

Men are pigs.
Don't worry that he isn't talking to you, count your blessings. All you need to hear from him is that he got paid and he put gas in the car. Trust me, the less he says, the less he'll piss you off.
As for the short situation, buy stock in Fruit-of-the-loom and instead of washing them just throw the M'r F'r's away.

dear Flo,

My neighbour is pissing me off. He's always trying to one-up me, you know the type?

For example: my wife nagged me into building a fence, so I did. Of course, the fact I missed the superbowl to do as she asked wasn't good enough (but that's another question) and she made me go to the lumberyard and get these stupid things that look like pineapples to attach on top of the fence-posts. I did it to shut her up, she was pleased & I even got a little somethin-somethin so it ended up we were both happy.

Back to my neighbour... He wanders over and comments on the stupid pineapples, casually asks where I got them. I shoulda know the fat bastard was setting me up, but I told him.

You guessed it, next day the a-hole has stupid pineapple finials on his fence-posts, and he painted them to look like actual pineapples! I wanted to kick him right in the nuts... am I being a jerk?

signed:
Pissed Off Fence-builder


Dear Pissed,

Make fruit salad from sour grapes and just have the neighbor sleep with your wife and let him do ALL the work.

Dear Aunt Flo,

My bible-thumping SIL (DOHs sister) is coming over for a slumber party tomorrow. We get along fine so that's okay. Usually my 2 nieces come with when SIL visits, that's cool.

Here's my beef: SILs passive-aggressive husband never accompanies her, ever. We have lived in this house for 8 months now and he has not once shown his face; we've been in to their house in the city (hour away) at least 6 times. We get along fine, we even all like each other!

BIL always accepts our invitations with a big smile, but then he just doesn't bother to show up, leaving SIL to make excuses for him. Which we've stopped believing and told her to just stop making them, we know it's his choice. We've tried just loving him and letting him know how much we miss his company at holiday events and family gatherings - nada. He would never admit to our faces that he is just plain snubbing us; when confronted he always plays the work card. Which is total bullshit because he owns the company and everyone knows he's outright lying. SIL has told us honestly that BIL openly tells her he has no intention of coming to our place, ever. He also hasn't been to either of DOH & SILs 2 bros places (2 hours away) in a few years. He told her that it's her fault he doesn't want to go, but that's just so much white noise I can't even hear it. She is always respectful of him and I can not recall a single incident where she may have embarrassed him in front of any of us to such a degree that he will never visit any of us again. It's very hurtful.

But the thing that really picks my ass is that BILs attitude has slopped over onto our nephews, who used to want to visit us & play with their cousins, celebrate holidays, etc. They have been here exactly once, and even that day their mother admitted to us that she had to threaten them to make them come along. They had a ton of fun with their cousins that day - quadding, exploring, horseback riding, target shooting, eating and laughing. Never been back. I think it's a statement of loyalty to their father.

How should I handle this, short of hiring a goon to kneecap BIL behind a dumpster some dark night.....




Dear Dissed,

First think, what would Jesus do.
Ok, it's not up to you to do what Jesus would do because your not Jesus.

So, heres what I would do.
I would tell that passive aggressive PIA to stay home.
Don't feel bad when he doesn't come, beat him to the punch and tell him NOT to come.
You need to out him as the whiny ass, nancy boy, attention whore that he is.

Have you ever heard the expression "don't look a gift horse in the mouth"?

In my book, a jack-ass is the same thing as a horse, count your lucky stars he doesn't come.

Dear Flo,

I have the hardest time falling asleep at night. Yet my husband, who falls asleep before he even hits the pillow, must ask if I'm sleeping just as I drift into dreamland? I have yelled and even slept on the couch yet he finds it funny and continues to do it. Flo what can I do to stop him from doing this without causing bodily harm to him?

From, The wife that needs her beauty sleep.






Dear Sleeping Beauty,

This is easy.
Go a little psycho on him just once.
Next time he does it, pull a knife out from under your pillow and with a crazed look in you eyes start screaming and tell him you have tried to handle this nicely, but now it's time to meet "your little friend".
Hold the knife to his throat and tell him if he F*#$'s with you again he'll be sorry.
This should do the trick.

Dear Flo,
My contractor leaves expensive building materials laying on the wet ground out in the GD freezing rain (like the plywood laying on the wet ground covered in slush won't warp when it dries because it's 'special'?). Not to mention scraps of tin, end pieces of wood, screws & nails, plastic wrap from around bundles, plus the crew's drink cans & bottles scattered on the ground all around the job site (despite my having provided them with a feedbag stapled to the wall for GARBAGE).

DOH does not seem to bother about it; when I bitch and ask him to TALK to the CONTRACTOR, he just..... doesn't. Short of attacking him with a nail file, how can I get him to take this seriously, stop worrying about the contractor not liking what he (I) says, and run the GD project like it's costing us $50K... because it is!!
Venom

Dear Venom,
Start small, nails in the tires.

Even if you have to hammer them in yourself when no ones watching.
A flat will not only slow them up, but set them back some cash.
Most important, you can't be directly linked to the incident.
Then, start throwing all the trash they leave around in the back of their truck.

While your at it throw all YOUR garbage in the back of their truck, this may even be a good time to clean out the garage and load it ALL in the back of their truck.
Now, for the most serious matter.
Your husband needs to learn that if your not happy NOBODY is happy.
Teach him to feel your pain.